For the most part I like change. I become frustrated and twitchy when things are too mundane for too long. For instance, I like to move. After about four years in any one place I start climbing the walls. Doesn't have to be a big move. Could be just across town. But I need to keep moving. New walls, new people, new experiences...you get the picture. I tend to change jobs a lot as well. In the last twenty four years I've had more than forty two jobs. Jack of all trades, master of none. That's me.
But most of those changes were of my own making. I chose them. Just lately it seems like things are changing too fast...I have too little control. I'm aware that for the most part control is an illusion. But I like that illusion. And usually when I decide it's time for a change, I can visualize the outcome. Of course, it may not always end up the way that I envisioned it, in fact it seldom does, but the illusion gives comfort.
Right now it feels as if someone gave up on the pebble and dropped a fuckin' boulder in the pond. And here I am, clinging to some small twig, trying to stay afloat. Some moments it seems that I am in control and steering my course through the resulting currents and the next, I am about to be swamped by a tidal wave.
I want to curl up in a safe little den by myself and ignore the world around me. I want to break free, burst through the walls hemming me in and take the world by storm. I feel like dancing with joy. I feel like screaming. Some days it is just too confusing to be me.
For the most part I know what I want. But as I have pointed out to my children on countless occasions, no man is an island. What I want may not mesh with what my partner wants. And many are affected by my decisions and actions.
I am so weary of always trying to figure out what everyone else needs and wants and then trying to bend my needs and wants to meet them. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of feeling/being responsible to everyone's feelings. I don't want to care anymore. And yet I know that if I didn't care I wouldn't like myself.
I suppose that the bottome line is that today I feel like a rat in a maze. I believe that there is a wondrous piece of cheese waiting for me at the end. And I need and want that cheese. The question is whether I have enough energy to continue searching for it or if I will just lay down and starve.
