No more Jerry

Ok. It's been three days. Three days since my life has changed in a very significant way. I thought I would be depressed at the very least and a severe basket case at the worst. For the first time in sixteen years, I am separated from the child I gave birth to. And not just for a couple of weeks at boy scout camp. He's gone for good. Barring the occasional visit. He does not live with me anymore. Two years sooner than expected.

Now, I've always said that I wouldn't be one of those women who suffer from empty nest syndrome. God please deliver me from the full nest, was almost my mantra. But I don't think I believed it when it came to my youngest. And yet.......

I admit I was a bit teary at the airport. As was he. But the sense of calmness, and peace has been spreading ever since. Am I truly the horrible mother I always suspected myself of being? Shouldn't I be tearing my hair, wailing and wearing sackcloth and ashes? This slow building of euphoria must mean that I will rot in a hell designed for unfit mothers.

I love the child in question immensely. And I do miss him. But I realized the other night, that the child I miss, is not the child that has been living with me for the last eighteen months. I've already gotten used to missing him.

He is the third of four children to wrest his freedom from the evil clutches of his parents. And he's is the youngest of the four. My husband has mentioned more than once in the last six months, that he misses our oldest daughter who moved out on her own last July. I say nothing because I don't miss her. (What I really don't miss is the drama. Same goes for the oldest). But I really don't miss them. Any of them. I just feel relief.

I've already turned his room into a guest room. It's gorgeous. Anybody want to come and visit? You'll have your own room. Kind of cold hearted, huh?

I have friends just starting their families. And I see neighbors and others in my community with precious little infants or young children. And all I can think is, thank god it's not me.

So, I guess no more Jerry Springer. Cancel that appointment with the producers. And I don't need a raise. I just needed release.