Ok, so Kaci tagged me. This has not been an easy task, but here goes.
What is the total number of books I've owned?
At least 1,200. This is a very conservative estimate and only covers the last fifteen to twenty years.
Last book I bought?
Shadowland by Peter Straub (Don't waste the bucks)
Last book I read?
Well, I am currently almost finished with Shadowland. Have not suffered through such a boring book in a long time. Often depaired of even finishing it. Before that was The Kite Runner. Well worth the read.
And the tough one...
List five books that mean a lot to me.
I struggled with this question quite a bit. I mean, only five? So, here's my best attempt; be forewarned that this list could change tomorrow and they are not in any particular order.
1. The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling. The unabridged version. I still have the book I so loved in childhood. Stories that must be read to me over and over again until I could read them myself whenever I liked.
2. Maia by Richard Adams. An epic journey that I have enjoyed many times.
3. The Stand by Stephen King. Again the unabridged version.
4. Motherhood, the Second Oldest Profession by Erma Bombeck. There is an author without whom the world is a little bit darker.
5. A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespear. I don't know if plays count, but if they do, there it is.
Now, I'm also supposed to tag five other folks. I think most of you have already done this so let's see......
Brian (but you won't be back in town for two weeks, guess we'll have to wait).
Midnight Cry
Phoenix
Dave
I know that's only four but the rest of the folks I would have tagged, either don't have a blog or have already been tagged.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
Emergence
She stepped out into the light, blinking owlishly, feeling exposed, naked and raw, like a snake having newly shed it's skin. In some ways that's exactly what she had done. Gone were the walls of the prison which, while they hemmed her in had also made her feel protected. At least inside those walls she knew what to expect. Now she was vulnerable to anything.
Suddenly, she was in doubt. She wanted to turn and flee back into the place she had just left. She looked back and saw nothing but gray walls that seemed to extend forever in all directions. Again she looked toward the light. She had to go forward. Even though she was terribly frightened, felt as if she was no more substantial than a child's play-doh creation, she must continue. She had worked hard for this freedom. She had to trust that this time would be different.
She let herself into the apartment with her new key. It felt heavy enough to be made of lead. Smooth and powerful in her hand. Leaning back against the now closed door, she looked around. To anyone else it might have seemed dingy, dim and spartan. To her, though, it seemed bright and open, compared with where she had spent the last several years. The dusty, worn carpet might have been silk and the chipped formica counters in the kitchen could as easily have been fine marble. It was hers, for now anyway, and she had every intention of hanging onto it. The only other option was to go back, and that she was unwilling to do.
Right now, though, she was exhausted. She pushed away from the door and crossed the unfurnished living room, heading for the bedroom. Partially furnished in this case meant a narrow metal frame bed with a sagging mattress whose ancient springs groaned loudly in protest as she lay herself down. She groaned along with them at the thought of tomorrow. She would need to find a job first off. How to explain where she had been the last few years? Would anyone understand? Then, find the Good Will and see about some furnishings for her new home. Perhaps filling the empty space would make it seem more secure, more real somehow.
As she drifted off to sleep, her last conscious thoughts were more prayer than anything else. That this would get easier, that she would be able to rise to the situation, that the freedom would last.
Suddenly, she was in doubt. She wanted to turn and flee back into the place she had just left. She looked back and saw nothing but gray walls that seemed to extend forever in all directions. Again she looked toward the light. She had to go forward. Even though she was terribly frightened, felt as if she was no more substantial than a child's play-doh creation, she must continue. She had worked hard for this freedom. She had to trust that this time would be different.
She let herself into the apartment with her new key. It felt heavy enough to be made of lead. Smooth and powerful in her hand. Leaning back against the now closed door, she looked around. To anyone else it might have seemed dingy, dim and spartan. To her, though, it seemed bright and open, compared with where she had spent the last several years. The dusty, worn carpet might have been silk and the chipped formica counters in the kitchen could as easily have been fine marble. It was hers, for now anyway, and she had every intention of hanging onto it. The only other option was to go back, and that she was unwilling to do.
Right now, though, she was exhausted. She pushed away from the door and crossed the unfurnished living room, heading for the bedroom. Partially furnished in this case meant a narrow metal frame bed with a sagging mattress whose ancient springs groaned loudly in protest as she lay herself down. She groaned along with them at the thought of tomorrow. She would need to find a job first off. How to explain where she had been the last few years? Would anyone understand? Then, find the Good Will and see about some furnishings for her new home. Perhaps filling the empty space would make it seem more secure, more real somehow.
As she drifted off to sleep, her last conscious thoughts were more prayer than anything else. That this would get easier, that she would be able to rise to the situation, that the freedom would last.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
A Mother's Gifts
Over the years my mother has given me many wonderful gifts. She has fabulous taste and knows my taste in books, clothes and jewelry. But there are others that are even more timeless and precious and I just wanted the whole world to know about them. Ok, at least my whole blog world.
She gave me the gift of language. Mom taught me that words are powerful and have meaning. That they can bring others closer or push them away.
She gave me the gift of literacy. She opened the door to a wondrous world of books and I will be forever grateful as it has often been my salvation.
She gave me the gift of sight, teaching me to look carefully for the beauty in those around me and in nature. How to look into myself and explore and grow.
She gave me the gift of choice, allowing me to choose my own path even though it might not be one she could follow.
She gave me the gift of acceptance. Taught me to accept others as they are, for who they are.
She gave me the gift of tolerance. From her I learned never to judge another's values, beliefs or culture by the standards of my own.
She gave me the gift of exploration. It is from her that I learned to love to travel and experience new places.
She gave me the gift of inspiration. For watching her live her life with zest, with freedom and seeing her follow her dreams inspires me to do the same.
She gave me the gift of wealth, for she taught me by example that a rich life is worth much more than being rich.
But most of all she gave me the gift of her love, which has sustained me, surrounded me and kept me whole.
Thank you mom, your gifts are treasured and I love you.
She gave me the gift of language. Mom taught me that words are powerful and have meaning. That they can bring others closer or push them away.
She gave me the gift of literacy. She opened the door to a wondrous world of books and I will be forever grateful as it has often been my salvation.
She gave me the gift of sight, teaching me to look carefully for the beauty in those around me and in nature. How to look into myself and explore and grow.
She gave me the gift of choice, allowing me to choose my own path even though it might not be one she could follow.
She gave me the gift of acceptance. Taught me to accept others as they are, for who they are.
She gave me the gift of tolerance. From her I learned never to judge another's values, beliefs or culture by the standards of my own.
She gave me the gift of exploration. It is from her that I learned to love to travel and experience new places.
She gave me the gift of inspiration. For watching her live her life with zest, with freedom and seeing her follow her dreams inspires me to do the same.
She gave me the gift of wealth, for she taught me by example that a rich life is worth much more than being rich.
But most of all she gave me the gift of her love, which has sustained me, surrounded me and kept me whole.
Thank you mom, your gifts are treasured and I love you.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Little People
Why is it that little people always get the big jobs? Now before anyone gets offended, I don't mean little as in physical size. I'm talking about small minds. Small mean personalities. Like those little rat terrier dogs that bark and bark trying to intimidate making you just want to drop kick them off the face of the planet. (And me a dog lover!)
The child that went to live with his father, had gotten in some trouble with the law in this state before leaving. He was charged with a misdemeanor. Things here escalated (see Jerry Springer) before we had any contact from the legal eagles and the decision was made to send him to his dad's. Then I am contacted by Juvenile Probation and told he has to meet with them on a certain date. Well, said date is two weeks after he's scheduled to leave, so I request an earlier meeting with them. They decline. In particular this little rat terrier declines. Seems he's going to be out of town for three weeks. (Turns out he was getting married). So I request another case worker who will be available. No dice. I am told that he MUST appear on said date. I say no way, not unless they are going to house him 'cause he can't stay here. I will no longer be abused. Again, no dice. So I suggest they transfer the case to the other state. I am told that they don't have the authority to do so. They have no jurisdiction there. The terrier informs me that if the boy doesn't show, they will issue a bench warrant. OK. I did some research. Unless the boy runs afoul of the law again, he has nothing to worry about until he is ready and able to come back and deal with said warrant. Child leaves as planned.
So last week, terrier calls me at work and asks are we going to show? I tell him child is gone. He says child has to come back. I reply that he can pay for transportation and housing as child is not welcome here at this time. He then proceeds to become insulting, judgmental and attempts to intimidate me. I don't intimidate easily.
Now, reports from the coast would indicate that child is rising to the challenge there. Behaving self, working hard and so tired each night from job, that he's falling asleep in his dinner plate. No time or energy for making trouble, and hopefully getting a really good look at how hard we all work to take care of him and what kind of sacrifices are involved. All to the good. But, today, I receive a call from child indicating that the terrier has been calling him. Been making threats he can't follow through on. Such as, if child steps one foot in our state again he will be immediately arrested. I pointed out to child that as of last Sunday when I last crossed the state line, there were no checkpoints asking for papers. Terrier tells child he MUST do x, y and z or else. Tells him that we broke the law by sending him out of state.
Now, I don't think it's ok for the child to escape the consequences of his actions. And whether the terrier agrees or not, he is currently facing several. Consequences that is. But in my humble opinion, if one is trying to engender an attitude of respect towards the law in an adolescent, lies and intimidation are not the way to achieve it.
So I called the little rat today and told him exactly that. I asked him if he had actually said that we broke the law by sending the child away. He replied, yes, he'd checked with the D.A. So I say where is the court order, dated prior to leave date, that says I can't relinquish custody, that I have to keep him here with me. He says that's not the issue. I say it sure as hell is. I say, if they have no jurisdiction in the other state, then where does he get off telling child what to do? Other than requesting him to return and face charges he has no legal rights. If that request is denied, then he (the rat) has the option of having a bench warrant issued. And, I say, what is he doing talking to a minor child without said child being represented, either by a parent or a lawyer? He says child called him, not the other way around. I tell him I have a hard time believing that the child looked up his number and called on his own. Did the rat call first? Well, yes he admits. He left a message and child returned it. "So you did call him. Why do you feel the need to lie and intimidate?" He then replies that he has never done either. I say what do you think you're doing when you tell me I've broken a law by sending the child away? He then replies, "I never said that." "Yes you did. Just ten minutes ago, at the beginning of this conversation. You said you had checked with the D.A." "I never said that," he replies. Then he asks if I want to hear what he has to say about the child's options or continue yelling at him. I inform him that I have not yelled at him. He'd know if I did. I am at work and if I were yelling everyone would know. There is a difference between being emphatic and yelling. Maybe he should invest in a dictionary. I hang up.
So, I make a few phone calls. I intend to make his life a legal hell. You see, the problem is that the LITTLE man has pissed me off. I'm half Italian and half Scot. We're talking about the people that invented the vendetta and clan warfare. You DON'T want to piss me off.
The child that went to live with his father, had gotten in some trouble with the law in this state before leaving. He was charged with a misdemeanor. Things here escalated (see Jerry Springer) before we had any contact from the legal eagles and the decision was made to send him to his dad's. Then I am contacted by Juvenile Probation and told he has to meet with them on a certain date. Well, said date is two weeks after he's scheduled to leave, so I request an earlier meeting with them. They decline. In particular this little rat terrier declines. Seems he's going to be out of town for three weeks. (Turns out he was getting married). So I request another case worker who will be available. No dice. I am told that he MUST appear on said date. I say no way, not unless they are going to house him 'cause he can't stay here. I will no longer be abused. Again, no dice. So I suggest they transfer the case to the other state. I am told that they don't have the authority to do so. They have no jurisdiction there. The terrier informs me that if the boy doesn't show, they will issue a bench warrant. OK. I did some research. Unless the boy runs afoul of the law again, he has nothing to worry about until he is ready and able to come back and deal with said warrant. Child leaves as planned.
So last week, terrier calls me at work and asks are we going to show? I tell him child is gone. He says child has to come back. I reply that he can pay for transportation and housing as child is not welcome here at this time. He then proceeds to become insulting, judgmental and attempts to intimidate me. I don't intimidate easily.
Now, reports from the coast would indicate that child is rising to the challenge there. Behaving self, working hard and so tired each night from job, that he's falling asleep in his dinner plate. No time or energy for making trouble, and hopefully getting a really good look at how hard we all work to take care of him and what kind of sacrifices are involved. All to the good. But, today, I receive a call from child indicating that the terrier has been calling him. Been making threats he can't follow through on. Such as, if child steps one foot in our state again he will be immediately arrested. I pointed out to child that as of last Sunday when I last crossed the state line, there were no checkpoints asking for papers. Terrier tells child he MUST do x, y and z or else. Tells him that we broke the law by sending him out of state.
Now, I don't think it's ok for the child to escape the consequences of his actions. And whether the terrier agrees or not, he is currently facing several. Consequences that is. But in my humble opinion, if one is trying to engender an attitude of respect towards the law in an adolescent, lies and intimidation are not the way to achieve it.
So I called the little rat today and told him exactly that. I asked him if he had actually said that we broke the law by sending the child away. He replied, yes, he'd checked with the D.A. So I say where is the court order, dated prior to leave date, that says I can't relinquish custody, that I have to keep him here with me. He says that's not the issue. I say it sure as hell is. I say, if they have no jurisdiction in the other state, then where does he get off telling child what to do? Other than requesting him to return and face charges he has no legal rights. If that request is denied, then he (the rat) has the option of having a bench warrant issued. And, I say, what is he doing talking to a minor child without said child being represented, either by a parent or a lawyer? He says child called him, not the other way around. I tell him I have a hard time believing that the child looked up his number and called on his own. Did the rat call first? Well, yes he admits. He left a message and child returned it. "So you did call him. Why do you feel the need to lie and intimidate?" He then replies that he has never done either. I say what do you think you're doing when you tell me I've broken a law by sending the child away? He then replies, "I never said that." "Yes you did. Just ten minutes ago, at the beginning of this conversation. You said you had checked with the D.A." "I never said that," he replies. Then he asks if I want to hear what he has to say about the child's options or continue yelling at him. I inform him that I have not yelled at him. He'd know if I did. I am at work and if I were yelling everyone would know. There is a difference between being emphatic and yelling. Maybe he should invest in a dictionary. I hang up.
So, I make a few phone calls. I intend to make his life a legal hell. You see, the problem is that the LITTLE man has pissed me off. I'm half Italian and half Scot. We're talking about the people that invented the vendetta and clan warfare. You DON'T want to piss me off.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Where's the Cheese?
You know that proverbial pebble? The one you drop in the pond that causes so many unexpected changes? Some days I hate that pebble.
For the most part I like change. I become frustrated and twitchy when things are too mundane for too long. For instance, I like to move. After about four years in any one place I start climbing the walls. Doesn't have to be a big move. Could be just across town. But I need to keep moving. New walls, new people, new experiences...you get the picture. I tend to change jobs a lot as well. In the last twenty four years I've had more than forty two jobs. Jack of all trades, master of none. That's me.
But most of those changes were of my own making. I chose them. Just lately it seems like things are changing too fast...I have too little control. I'm aware that for the most part control is an illusion. But I like that illusion. And usually when I decide it's time for a change, I can visualize the outcome. Of course, it may not always end up the way that I envisioned it, in fact it seldom does, but the illusion gives comfort.
Right now it feels as if someone gave up on the pebble and dropped a fuckin' boulder in the pond. And here I am, clinging to some small twig, trying to stay afloat. Some moments it seems that I am in control and steering my course through the resulting currents and the next, I am about to be swamped by a tidal wave.
I want to curl up in a safe little den by myself and ignore the world around me. I want to break free, burst through the walls hemming me in and take the world by storm. I feel like dancing with joy. I feel like screaming. Some days it is just too confusing to be me.
For the most part I know what I want. But as I have pointed out to my children on countless occasions, no man is an island. What I want may not mesh with what my partner wants. And many are affected by my decisions and actions.
For the most part I like change. I become frustrated and twitchy when things are too mundane for too long. For instance, I like to move. After about four years in any one place I start climbing the walls. Doesn't have to be a big move. Could be just across town. But I need to keep moving. New walls, new people, new experiences...you get the picture. I tend to change jobs a lot as well. In the last twenty four years I've had more than forty two jobs. Jack of all trades, master of none. That's me.
But most of those changes were of my own making. I chose them. Just lately it seems like things are changing too fast...I have too little control. I'm aware that for the most part control is an illusion. But I like that illusion. And usually when I decide it's time for a change, I can visualize the outcome. Of course, it may not always end up the way that I envisioned it, in fact it seldom does, but the illusion gives comfort.
Right now it feels as if someone gave up on the pebble and dropped a fuckin' boulder in the pond. And here I am, clinging to some small twig, trying to stay afloat. Some moments it seems that I am in control and steering my course through the resulting currents and the next, I am about to be swamped by a tidal wave.
I want to curl up in a safe little den by myself and ignore the world around me. I want to break free, burst through the walls hemming me in and take the world by storm. I feel like dancing with joy. I feel like screaming. Some days it is just too confusing to be me.
For the most part I know what I want. But as I have pointed out to my children on countless occasions, no man is an island. What I want may not mesh with what my partner wants. And many are affected by my decisions and actions.
I am so weary of always trying to figure out what everyone else needs and wants and then trying to bend my needs and wants to meet them. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of feeling/being responsible to everyone's feelings. I don't want to care anymore. And yet I know that if I didn't care I wouldn't like myself.
I suppose that the bottome line is that today I feel like a rat in a maze. I believe that there is a wondrous piece of cheese waiting for me at the end. And I need and want that cheese. The question is whether I have enough energy to continue searching for it or if I will just lay down and starve.
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